Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
