Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
