Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
