how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
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