I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize