Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I got inside last night via doggy door
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
