Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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