is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
