puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize
