Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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