Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
