I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
