Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Randomize
