This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
