oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
