And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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