I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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