she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
