omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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