Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
