The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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