i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
My feet surprised me
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
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