okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
