i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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