I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
