I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
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