I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Randomize
