I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
