We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize