Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
