How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
