i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
