using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
