oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize