the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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