i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
