we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
