The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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