can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Randomize
