halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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