then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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