I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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