Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
