"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
