Incredible sex, Maddow, more sex, spoon, sex again
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
