Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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