Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize