call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
