I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Pooping to opera.
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