I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
