If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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