This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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