I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
