What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
