I've blown a few things in my day
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
