I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize