woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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