After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
