If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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