the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Is it because I queefed?
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
