This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
i've created a new STD.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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