Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
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