my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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