new low.... made out with someone while peeing
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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