I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
