A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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