Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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